The Obituary of Thomrad Turlington

Thomrad Stershal Turlington of Horttleberry, Massachusetts, died Sunday at the newly opened Kellogg™ Toffy-Blasted Razzleberry-Poptart™ Hospital in central Horttleberry. According to his family, he was 65 years older than he was at the time of his birth at the time of his death. He was hospitalized on Friday after suffering a massive 9.2-magnitude brainquake which was felt by shamen as far away as Calcutta.

Thomrad was born of parents Rognord and Falicity “Ol’ Three-Knocks” Turllington on April 21, 1942, in his beloved hometown of Reizgneitch Blitzenfuhrertink, Germany, during “The Great Rudeness of Around 1942.” His family was forced to flee to America in 1945 after the fall of the Nazi party, finally settling in Horttleberry. He spent his life feral, sustained on a diet of treebark and hallucinogenic mushrooms. He was not seen by anyone for a thirty year period between 1977 and Sunday, when he was found quaked-out in a ditch near Ol’ Hayberglick Ranch.

Thomrad is survived by his wife Gloriola, and their children Hanstor (32), Marggathy (28), Fielepo XVII (17), and the conjoined twins Regardo (17) and Lulu (17 ½).
Thomrad’s service will be held tomorrow at 3:25 am, where, upon his wishes, his corpse will be dropped from a hot-air balloon.

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