XHOB-B

Guy & Thurgood’s Speedy Hobo Removal
February 15, 2007

Dear Valued Customer,

We performed a Delux Hobo Eradication at your residence on January 27, 2007. Since that time, it has come to our attention that one of the products used while servicing your residence, the newly-developed aerosol-hobocide XHOB-B, has been identified as potentially dangerous by the Attorney General following the class-action lawsuit of Flessy Vs. Murdkill Chemical Co.

In the wake of these events, we are required to contact all owners of residences we treated with XHOB-B in the last five months since the chemical’s introduction to disclose certain potential dangers related to the use of this substance.

XHOB-B is the active agent in the highly-effective hobo-control product “Huckleson&Company’s Jolly-Hobo Hotel.” This product consists of a plastic dome with entranceways leading to a central chamber, wherein a bottle of Pinesol and a plate of tangy buffalo-wings reside as bait. When the hobo enters this chamber, motion sensors trigger the release of XHOB-B, which violently liquifies the peripheral nervous systems inside the doomed hobo, rendering it immobile. Over the course of several days, nano-engineered viruses inside XHOB-B’s “Funocules” reassemble the conscious but debilitate hobo’s musculature into trillions of starving crawfish, which devour the remaining hobo-material internally, hence our “no-residual hobo-remains guarantee.”

Unfortunately, while economical and effective, this process may have unexpected side effects. While XHOB-B was engineered to work on hobos alone, it has been suggested that the substance may also be threatening to humans, potentially causing similar and/or identical effects to those observed in hobos. The National Hobo Control Union is following up on these claims. In the meantime, there are some precautions you may wish to take while on any of the estimated 35 million locations that have been treated with XHOB-B over the past 5 months, your residence included (our bad!).

It has been found that XHOB-B can remain onsite suspended in the air with a dissipation a rate of 3-nanograms/L/yr @STP. Since most sites treated with XHOB-B were treated with .5-10 kg of the substance, it may take several hundreds of thousands of years for sites to become decontaminated through natural dissipation. If you feel you cannot wait this long, and must visit a potentially contaminated site, your own residence included (our bad!), it is suggested that you wear a breathing apparatus and take precautions to prevent physical contact with any gases present in the air. The effects of this substance on children and elderly persons is unknown, but it is the position of the National Hobo Control Union that they’re probably fine. Domesticated/non-domesticated animals seem to be at the greatest risk, but it is highly recommended that they not be told of the situation.

Again, we apologize for this unfortunate situation. We will keep you updated on details as they become available to us upon your request. We would like to urge you not to “get all pissy” or “go all crazy on us” as we are trying our best to get on with our lives and put this whole mess behind us.

If you require further information on relocation possibilities, please follow the below link:
http://www.google.com
and type “Rentals” + where you’d like to live next, into the space provided.

Thanks for being such a trooper!

Sincerely,

Bob Guy and Gunter Thurgood
Guy & Thurgood’s Speedy Hobo Removal

Attention Homeowners!: Mention this court-ordered liability disclosure and receive %10 off our next visit! (Not valid in combination with other court-orderd liability disclosure discounts.)

~n

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