Archive for the ‘Uncategorized stuff’ Category

The Obituary of Flashrod Frankens

Sunday, October 28th, 2012

It is with a heavy sadness and a light snack that we remember Flashrod Frankens, a stalwart centenarian who lived to see thirty-two presidents, two world wars, three depressions, seven teen wives, five black people and a ninja. “Flash” passed away Saturday, 113 years to-the-day he was discovered in 1899.

“Flash” is best known as S. Northland’s second-most disturbing milk man, a job he has faithfully performed since he was first hired as a delivery boy by Sunburrow Farms in nineteen-ot-six. Although quickly earning a reputation as a prodigy of milk delivery, Flash declined all promotions, refusing to accept any increases in title, amenities or pay. Subsequently, he has never had a truck nor a new uniform, and has been paid the same eight-cents per week for the past ninety-four years.

Braving the weather, a dog, and incessant pleading that he stop, the elderly milk man has struggled heroically against the yoke of an ox cart to deliver lead bottles of unrefrigerated milk to every stop on his original delivery route. The rural farmhouses of his youth have since been replaced by an upscale shopping district, making his unwanted deliveries of spoiled, turn-of-the-(last)-century-cow-fluids a charming ordeal for the town’s inhabitants.

Flashrod died of complications to his continued life-having. He passed away in the loving company of his shirt and pants.

In strict adherence to assumed traditions, Flashrod will be honored with a traditional Milk-Burial, whereby his body will be added to a large bowl of cereal and eaten by famous milkmen.

Farewell, Kurt and Killgore

Thursday, April 12th, 2007

“I’ve had a hell of a good time. I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you any different.”

Kurt Vonnegut
1922-2007

~n

Thinayr Classifieds (I)

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007

As a public service, and as a way to put a few greenbacks in me paw-eh, I have opened up this section of the website to public classifieds, want-ads and the likes. If you have a classified to post, post it as a comment and it will appear on the site.

Here are the first round:
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!!!!!!FOR SALE!!!!!!
’73 CHVY IMPLA XL. 115K, pwr drs, pwr wndws, wht pwr. Gd cndtn! Usd 4 drg dls, kdnppngs, drv-bys, mltpl rps. Mrdrd hkrs in trnk. Nl-mrks on sts. Bld stns. Bd smll. $400 (OBO). GR8 DL!
Call: Tronny (231) 345-2232
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Help Wanted:
Bak-OFF Protection Inc. is seeking individuals willing to sample personal protection products. $7/hr + snacks. Dog lovers preferred. Products to be tested include: Chemical Chili-Blast™, Diarrhea On-Demand™, Flesh-Eating Jelly-Nades™, The Crotch-o-dile™, Scrote-Stomper PLUS™, AIDS™. Medical bills are not covered. People without families are preferred. No clergy. Contact Bak-OFF Protection Inc. (800) UBAK-OFF ex. 187
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Free to good home:
Unwanted ghost. Was fun, is now depressed. Needs cheering up and souls. Clowns/magicians with souls are preferred. Serious inquiries only. Contact Strembethany (970) 422-1001
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FOR SALE:
Large, slightly abused pony. Answers to “Princess Plinkercups.” Hates children, other animals, sunlight, the elderly, elderly animals embodying pure light. Violent mood-swings are easily controlled with “sugar cubes” (crystal meth). Good on plow when cranked out. Good companion. Talkative. Will make excellent glue. Call Hershal Buttersweat (303) 899-9821.
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more as they come!

Onward.

Thursday, February 1st, 2007

This blog is too serious. I just want to write funny stuff. I need a prompt. Someone give me a prompt…. yes, you there in the back… the man openly-weeping in the owl suit…

…hmm, that’s good…

Okay. Good. Onward! I can’t promise I wont slip in the occasional wordy, preachy, know-it-all philosophical piece now and then. The contrast in here might get intense… but i think it’ll be worthwhile…

Disengage the simulator

Monday, January 29th, 2007

Well, this weekend, I asked the love of my life to marry me. Surprise: she said “¡ si !”

After four-or-so absolutely incredible years with Kayla, we’ve decided to take the next step, and move from common-law marriage to the real thing. We are stoked.

It hasn’t struck me yet, maybe because Kayla and I are so great together that we have simply applied a new label to an existing thing. Still, it is fun to be the center of attention, and I like that the ring on Kayla’s finger lets all onlookers know she’s MINE! “What, this beautiful girl next to me? Yeah, she’s my wife.”

“…booyeah.”

blog, the first.

Friday, December 1st, 2006

Rabbit Rabbit Rabbit…

This is the first of hopefully many blogs. I’ll try to write daily. That probably won’t happen but what the hell.

Not much to say at this moment, just trying to fine tune this blog section of my site and get everything running smoothly. I’d say things are finally looking pretty good! I will start posting in ernest soon, so check back from time to time! As for now, I’m going to bed since it’s almost two. G’night!